Driverless!

It isn’t hard to believe that driverless cars will begin to appear on our highways and city streets in 2020. What is hard to believe is that 2020 is only five years away….

Congratulations on your purchase of the 2023 Driverless Googmobile! Please observe the following guidelines for your safety:

Use the seat belts and shoulder harnesses provided.

Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle while in motion. Do not attempt to exit a moving vehicle.

If you have programmed your Googmobile to drive you to work at 8:00 a.m., enter the car before 8:00 a.m.

This car uses cameras and a top-mounted laser for navigation. Do not obscure the cameras with items such as bumper stickers. Do not decorate the top-mounted laser to look like a clown head, bag of groceries, gun turret, Disney character, antique rocking chair, politician, or glass of beer. This may interfere with its operation.

Be aware that falling bird droppings or windblown debris may trigger the Googmobile’s emergency evasive maneuvers. Always wear your safety belt and shoulder harness.

It is permissible to use this car while intoxicated. Avoid vomiting on onboard computer.

Be wary of downloading software from unknown manufacturers into your onboard computer. Remember the tragic “Slug Bug” virus of 2021.

In some cases, this vehicle may misinterpret law enforcement vehicles as obstacles to avoid. If a chase scene develops, put on the bulletproof vest provided.

If you need a restroom break during a long trip, you should have programmed that in to begin with.

Commuters who are late for work may want to put the car in “obnoxious driver” mode, so it weaves in and out of traffic. Commuters who resent being rushed may want to choose “obstinate driver” mode, which will cause the car to drive primarily in the left lane at five miles per hour under the speed limit. Commuters using “common sense” mode may want to keep their eyes closed.

If your Googmobile repeatedly plows into pedestrians, cyclists, animals, or other such debris, check the cyber-steering fluid levels.

Picking up hitchhikers is solely at the discretion of the Googmobile.

If your Googmobile approaches a “Road Closed” or “Bridge Out” sign and does not appear to be slowing down, dial our 1-800 number and select menu option #7.

If your car freezes up, reboot. Do not call the manufacturer as this is clearly the responsibility of a third party software vendor.